What the eff?: Goals and Grief

My original intention with this blog was to have a place to be completely candid and have an actual outlet for all the randomness and arbitrary thoughts that pop into my head.

It has become a "let-me-quickly-blog-this-event-post-some-pictures-and-type-a-few-captions-in-5-minutes" blog.

Boo.

Heres to putting forth the effort to type the things I think.

Its difficult not to lose yourself when you become a mother. Especially a new mother who owns a business, runs a wedding blog (which has become 200x easier since Becky joined me) and can never quite finish the laundry... ever.

Who is also... I can't believe I'm confessing this... 60 pounds heavier than when you were married. (by "you" I, of course, mean "I")


Speaking of how huge I've become, what the eff dude?! 
I finally have a gym membership (thanks to my father who one day, basically said "Hey honey, you really need to lose some weight. Lets get you working out!") and with Blake's new schedule and the weird infant child care hours, I can never even go!
But exercise is only half of it right? Eating right is step one.
I always BUY the healthy food with "grilled-chicken-or-baked-fish" expectations and I usually end up with homemade brownie realities.

BEFORE
This is me, about a month before my wedding. 130 pounds and having a FABULOUS hair day.

AFTER
This is me 190 pounds, one week ago. I chose a particularly horrible picture from an awful hair day. 

Holy crap.
I mean, I physically feel awful (and I feel guilty and bad for Blake. Clearly not what he signed up for.)

How did this happen? Simple. I got lazy and learned how to cook.
I screwed up.

Recently, thanks to Netflix and my need to always have noise going on in the background, I have been watching the Biggest Loser and feeling inspired.
Feeling motivated.

Its difficult to take myself seriously at this point. I mean how many diets have I been on? How many times have I said "I'll just start on Monday"? Lots. Lots and Lots.

So here it is. My online confession in the hopes of being held accountable and actually following through with goals.

My food goals.

Ick. I've never been very disciplined when it came to food. 

Salad. I need you people to push salad on me like you're on a mission for the church of health food.

Anyway, its easy to lose yourself and I truly believe that writing a "journal" or honest blog will help me to navigate my way back to me. Or help build a new me anyway.

So heres to that!

But don't worry. This isn't going to become a diet blog or self loathing journal.
Just an honest record of good and bad.

(and if you ever think I'm sharing too much, feel free to click that little red "x" on your browser.)

Its after midnight... that must be why my filter is gone.

Kaleb's Birth Story

The birth story of my baby boy, Kaleb.

As captured by the talented LDS photographer and friend, Ashley Perez.

It started on September 6, 2011. 

My water broke just after I had finished making a burrito.

Figures, right?

Well, I changed my pants, finished my burrito, did a little primping and we made our way to the hospital.

I wasn't feeling any contractions at that point. Just excitement and relief that we would soon have our baby boy.

While preparing for our little one, we devised a birthing plan that included the use of "Hypnobabies".

An awesome program that helped me get through most of my pregnancy pain, including Sciatica.

The main part of our "plan" however, was to roll with the punches. If something happened not on our birthing plan, to just go with it and make it work.

Good thing too, because nothing went according to plan.

I did not think my water would break, but it did so I had to stay at the hospital the entire time. 

I wasn't progressing hardly at all, so the doctors suggested pitocin. 

I said "no" I didn't want to interfere if I could help it, so we waited another painful 4 hours and still nothing. 

Blake (my husband) and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion; we weren't inducing labor (which we absolutely did not want to do) we were helping it along a bit. 

So they pumped me full of pitocin and labor got intense very quickly. 

I used the techniques learned from Hypnobabies through the coaching and support of my husband.

(and oh my goodness, he was amazing. So gentle and attentive. So loving and sweet. He was amazing)

However, 24 hours after labor started I was completely exhausted, and slightly delusional.

(apparently I was telling Blake about a man who wasn't allowed in the room...?)

Not to mention I had to constantly wear a fetal monitor around my belly, had the IV of pitocin in my hand and had to pee every two minutes. There was constantly unhooking, rolling over, hobbling, re hooking just to do it all over again. 

Everything was so intense, and I was so exhausted, Blake made the executive decision to have me get an epidural. 

I cried.

I felt weak and like I was doing the wrong thing.

Blake reminded me I had to have enough energy to push, or we would have to have a C-section.

(because my water broke, bacteria was able to enter my uterus and Kaleb and I were starting to run a fever)

So, I yielded and cried felt the most icky thing ever as a tube entered my spine.

However, two minutes after that, I watched the little contraction tracker shoot up and I didn't feel a thing. 

You also have to have catheter put in when you have an epidural, and as gross as that sounds, I didn't have to get up every two minutes anymore so that was a relief as well

I started laughing.

Then I "passed out". (read: feel asleep from exhaustion)

Thats about when Ashley joined us.

Blake was reading Kaleb The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe almost every night so he, Kaleb,  would know Blake's voice.

My mother in law cam in and felt my little boy squirming

Blake was so wonderful. He was comforting me here.

Trying to say hello to Kaleb

I was so very exhausted

... and a little delirious. 

Blake was my rock

My little brother's came in to visit. (Dig my Hospital gown? I got it at Gownies along with another one that I wore the following day.)

My dad came by too.

When my fingers became too bloated for my wedding ring, I started waring Blake's Spanish CTR ring.

I started to feel the urge to push, and told my nurses. We got things ready. I started pushing.

For three hours I was pushing. I was so exhausted.

Blake said a silent prayer while things stalled. (I didn't know about this until we got the images back from Ashley)

There was about a minute in between pushes... I fell asleep each time.

Blake could see Kaleb's head!

Just a few more pushes and he would here... have I mentioned how exhausted I was?

Then finally, late in the evening on September 7, 2011, he was finally here.

See that cone head? Thats what happens when you hang out in the birth canal for three hours. His head is perfect now, in case you were wondering.

The first time I held him he was right on top of where he spent the last 9 months. 

Because had a fever and possible infection, they took him away to clean and monitor him right away. Normally they would have just handed him to me and I could have held him. This is was saddest part of the day in retrospect, but at the time I just saying "make sure hes OK."

And Blake got to stay with him.

They handed him to me for a quick minute...

and I got to kiss him for the first time.

Then Kaleb and his daddy went to the NICU for bath and antibiotics. And my daddy came by to see how I was feeling.

Along with more family. I loved having them there for support.

It was a good thing Blake read to our little baby so often, because Blake was able to sooth him while I was getting stitched and squeezed and waiting to see my boy.

There is a painting at the hospital with a little red button in the center, and if you've just delivered you can push the button as you pass by and it plays Brahms Lullaby throughout the hospital. 

And when I finally got to hold him, I could barely breathe. He looked just like a mini my father. He was MY son. I had a son. I could barely breathe.

My little kicker baby was in my arms.

Our family had its newest addition. We were complete. We were whole.

I am so thankful we had Ashley there to capture these precious moments.
And I'm thankful for my darling little family.