Baby #2 Third Trimester

This trimester is the hardest trimester. (not the worst, the worst is the first!)

I just felt so heavy. So off balance. 

I couldn't sleep, and this baby girl would surprise ninja kick me and I would literally yell. 

This trimester was also marred with the lovely news that I had gestational diabetes, followed by a speech from my doctor basically saying that if I didn't do EXACTLY what our plan laid out then my baby would die.

Honestly though, it was the kick in the pants that I needed. I started eating better and testing all the time. The best was when we were on family vacation. There were always people around me, so I was always being held accountable. I ended up losing pounds, which were there to lose believe me. 

I also have to go in like three times a week to do these super time consuming Non-stress tests where they strap me to a fetal monitor. But I get to hear Rachel's heart beach, so thats wonderful.

Other than that pain and worry, Its was so hot and so hard to fall asleep.

I was just ready for baby Rachel to come. 

Baby #2 : Second Trimester - Announcing our pregnancy and The Gender & Name Reveal

This post covers April 26th to July 21st

At the beginning of gestational week 15, we went to the fabulous Magical 4D Images. We did the same thing with Kaleb because I am the worst at waiting. I honestly don't know how people did it before, I feel like knowing my baby's gender and knowing their name helps me to bond with them before they're even here. We love 4D Images. Their equipment is always the best and I get to lay on the little bed and they have a TV on the wall in front of me so I don't have to crane my neck at the monitor. And Blake and Kaleb sit on a comfy couch next to me and watch a big screen TV. Its Awesome. AND its weeks earlier than when the doctor does the gender test.

So my grandmother had already predicted a girl (she also predicted when I was going to get pregnant) so we were thinking she was right. Well, Blake believed her, I was still unsure... I thought "maybe its a boy." I dont know, I think I wanted a girl, so I set myself up for the "plan B" scenario. I did the same thing with Kaleb. I always wanted a boy first so I kept saying "Its probably a girl."

But when I hopped on the table, and they gelled me up, there was no little boy business to be found.
They told Kaleb "You're having a baby sister!" he seemed unimpressed, but Blake and I were so happy! Granted, she kept crossing her legs and twisting and turing but they say 99% sure its a girl.



Well we went home and started telling all our family. Blake's sister was pregnant with a little girl too, so that was exciting. But in my family, our little one would be the first great-grandaughter and the first girl in something like 10 years. So everyone was very happy. (and thats not to say anyone would have been upset with a boy, we love boys, boys are awesome, but since we're having a girl this is how the story is going.) We also thought that, since we knew the gender and I was starting to show, it was time to tell the world (read: Facebook) as well. I had a whole mini movie and great project planned out as an announcement, but was still on the lazy/tired end of things so just ended up recording a quick announcement by Kaleb... which is posted earlier in the blog.

Anyway, after the gender was discovered our talk quickly turned to names. There was one name I loved since childhood, but when I married a Green I quickly dismissed it. We went back and forth and my forerunner was Penelope. When it seemed like Blake had finally conceded and that would be her name... It didn't feel right. I kept going back to that name I loved.
It was Rachel.
But my fear was that in naming our daughter Rachel with a last name of Green people would automatically think of ...

and even though we love the show and shes awesome in it, I was NOT naming my daughter after her.

But it kept bugging me. So I talked to Blake about it and he basically said "Lets name our daughter a name you love, and the few people that put together the character and the name will probably not think you named her AFTER the character, just that they happen to have the same name."

It made sense and was all I needed to be convinced. :D

So our daughter's name will be:

And we can't wait to hold her in our arms and welcome her in our lives!


... If she still is in fact a girl because then THIS happens...


Week 21 comes along and we go to our medical ultrasound. We figured an ultrasound is an ultrasound so we just choose the cheapest place... WRONG MOVE. This place we went to in Santa Ana was dirty (there was no actual dirt or anything it was just in a crummy building and gave off that dilapidated vibe) our technician seemed to barely speak english, and while my husband and son watched she told me
"ok, you see baby? You see that there? Thats the c*ck."
and I'm like... uh excuse me?
"It hard to see, but that look like a c*ck. Its a boy, ok?"
again I asked for clarification again and she kept spouting the c word about my little baby.
So Blake took a few pictures of what she insisted was a penis (in her own colorful way). I just said "ok", and after she threw a washrag on my belly and told me to clean myself up, we got out of there.

I immediately called Magical 4D Images and told them our medical ultrasound gave us a different gender result. They said I could come right in for another session (on the house, obviously) and they could double check for us.

Well when we got there and I recounted the other technician's bedside manner, and then showed them the picture of what the other place's crappy ultrasound machine picked up they said they didn't see male bits at all.

They lubed me up and took a gander on their brand spankin' new (I was the first client they used it on!) 4D machine and we looked for the gender....

No penis.

They said she was squirmy, but clearly a girl.

Thats good enough for me!

I am still a little nervous that she will come out a he (only because we have girl name and girl clothes, but we will OF COURSE love and be so happy with a boy too) but I'm pretty sure we're having a little lady. . . 90%.

Baby #2 - The first Trimenster

This post covers February 2014 to About April 25, 2014

Oh first trimester,  you start out with such excitement and swiftly descend in to nausea and the purest exhaustion not known to man.
Shortly after we found out I was pregnant, the sickness hit.
Now, before that I was doing a pretty good job of having dinner ready for Blake when he came home.
We even had a nice little routine down, eating dinner than having family scripture time at the table when we were all done.

Well, now I couldn't stand the smell, slimy feeling or anything remotely close to raw meat. Ick. It threw off our entire family evening routine. I can't remember making more than a baked potato for my husband my entire first trimester. Not that hes incapable, he fended for himself just fine.

And the nausea. Oh my goodness. It wasn't like I was constantly throwing up, or even gagging at every other moment, but I was always ALWAYS queazy.  Like constantly at the onset of sea sickness.

I remember being sick with Kaleb too, but I was also able to sleep as long as I wanted. I wasn't trying to potty train anyone.

If it was just the sickness, I think it would have been ok. But - and I'm being very candid here, so if that makes you uncomfortable (which would be weird) then go away - I was also so emotional. I felt so depressed and worried and constantly anxious.

Don't misunderstand, I was so happy we were having a baby. We had been trying and I wanted another little one so badly, but that couldn't damn the sadness.

I have never been diagnosed with depression so I can't say 100% thats what it was, but man I felt low.
I felt buried.

I worried constantly. I was worried about how Kaleb would feel when the new baby came - would he still understand how important and wonderful he was to me? I was worried about how the new baby would not get enough attention - after all when Kaleb was born I spent hours just starring at him and attending to him, I couldn't do that now, not with a toddler. I worried about not sleeping. I worried about my relationship with Blake suffering. But most of all I worried and felt guilty about worrying.

I've never had the best self esteem, not always. But during that first trimester I would DWELL on the things I didn't like about myself and on my (real or imagined) shortcomings.

I would cry. I would cry over tiny things, I would cry over things I thought were huge and I would cry over nothing. I always tried hide this from Kaleb, but if he ever did see me cry he would come over and say "its ok mommy, I make you happy." Then I would quickly stop and tell him he did make me happy - then as soon as I was alone again I would cry about what a horrible mother I was.

I was also exhausted and ALWAYS tired. Always so very sleepy. Most mornings I would bring Kaleb in bed with me, turn on netflix and go back to sleep. (and just so you know - it was a very light sleep. And if he ever tried to climb out of bed I would feel it and wake up. My son was safe always.)

I thought about seeing someone or talking to someone (other than Blake) but money or embarrassment (but mostly money) prevented me from doing so. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that (because its passed now) or not. Well, I got through it anyway.

Towards the end of my second trimester, I started feeling better. (though I still didn't cook.)
Kaleb was getting more and more excited about the baby in my belly.
and I made an appointment at Magical 4D images for when I was 15 weeks (beginning of my second trimester) to find out our little one's gender.

It felt nice that the fog was clearing.
I couldn't believe how FAST this pregnancy was going. Probably because I couldn't just sit and focus on it, I had to be a mommy too.
Our baby had grown so much in such a short amount of time. Our baby was a baby, not a little lizard alien anymore.

We had told my Grandma and my Dad that I was pregnant. My cousin, aunt and brother in law guessed, but we hadn't told the "world" yet (read: announced on facebook) so, although our little one was very real, the whole thing was still surreal.

Wonderful. But surreal.

Baby #2 - From TTC to Positive Test

(This post covers October 2013 - February 2014)
 Now that the cat's out of the bag, i thought I'd write a bit about the pregnancy journey so far.
Fair warning, I will be writing about trying to conceive, ovulation, periods and pregnancy tests... so if you don't want to read about it... Don't.

As soon as Kaleb turned 2, we knew we wanted to start trying to have another little one. Well, actually we had talked about it for some time before, but we kept going back and forth. Honestly, I thought I would want more babies right away, but after having Kaleb I realized I needed more time before starting down that baby road again.

But, just like with Kaleb, when the time finally felt right, it felt RIGHT! So we started trying in October of 2013. Now, with the first time we tried (with Kaleb) I got pregnant right off the bat. So, even though I kept saying "It can take 6 months to year to get pregnant." I DID NOT think it would take longer that one MAYBE  two trys - tops.

Well, figuring out my ovulation days via calendar, we tried in October. I got these bulk pregnancy test off of ebay (because oh my goodness they are so expensive in stores!).

They're a little ick at first because basically they're dip sticks. They came with a little cup for your dipping convenience... yeah. But they're basically the same things you get at your local pregnancy test store without the casing.

Anyway, They say you can test up to 5 days before your missed period, so of course, 5 days on the nose I take the test- negative. I then take a test EVERYDAY until the bitter flow of disappointment arrives.

We then try in November... on every ovulation day.

I again take the test for five days until its clear I'm not pregnant.

We debate about trying in December, because the baby's due date would be within days of Kaleb's birthday, but we both wanted to be pregnant so bad, we decide at the last minute to try this cycle anyway. But it didn't matter, because after 5 days of testing, I'm still not pregnant. (you would think I would stop testing early by now, but that didn't happen.)

So we try in January... We had just moved to our new home, EVERYTHING was chaos... I was still organizing still unpacking. Add that to the fact that I still wasn't pregnant and I was just a ball of stress.

We tried... and after the calendar said my cycle was over, I decide to take an ovulation test (that came with the pregnancy tests) just to be sure. I was skeptical because I read that they were notoriously inaccurate, but I was desperate.  The test said I was still ovulating, and I didn't really believe it...  I also didn't really do anything with the information.

We just continued on as a married couple, not the time-keeping-baby-making-Nazi I think turned into when I "knew" I was ovulating.

Well, February rolls around and its 5 days before my period, so I take the test - negative. The next day - negative. I'm just done. My hope is gone.

I know we only tried for four months and so many people try longer and have much MUCH greater struggles, but going from "pregnant on the first try" to five months and nothing, I was surprised and so sad.

It was February 9th, A Sunday and the day I was supposed to get the red devil in my belly (New Girl, 50 Shades of Day) But hadn't yet. Were at church and I didn't have any... lets say 'protection' with me in case I did start. So, knowing I would I rushed home and as I grabbed some, I had to push aside my pregnancy tests. I stopped for a moment... could I be pregnant?
No, no I had taken two tests already and I wasn't. I was resigned to not being pregnant for a while. Maybe I needed to lose more weight (my "fix" for everything, though I haven't really done it yet), maybe Kaleb would be older than 3 when we had another one, would that be so horrible?

Feeling defeated I went back to church and carried on with my day.

That evening, after dinner and as Kaleb was taking a bath, I realized I still hadn't started. So, with guarded hopes I took the test.

Kaleb was next to me in the bath as I stared at that VERY faded blue line.

I was shocked. I was happy, but I was shocked.

Emotion filled me. Filled me to the brim.

I still didn't totally trust it though. I had to take another test. An expensive one from the store. Maybe my whole batch was wrong.

My plan (for about 10 minutes) was to put Kaleb to bed, somehow convince Blake I needed to leave, confirm my pregnancy and if I was pregnant, tell him in some really cool way on Valentines day.

Well, we got Kaleb out of the bath and in to jammies. I got through story time and when we had family prayer, I just started crying.

Blake came over to me, asked "whats the matter?" and held me. I managed "Nothing! I think I'm pregnant. The test said maybe but I don't believe it."

He did. Right away he did. But I went to the store any was and took a "proper" test. One of those digital ones so I could be sure. No faded lines, just "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".

We cried, and were so thankful.

We decided not to tell anyone for a while, to make sure everything was going to be OK.

(I called my cousin and grandma, but they kept it under wraps.)

Anyway, I'm now 18 weeks and want to write a WHOLE lot more about my second pregnancy experience so far, but this post is already crazy long, so I'll save it for later.

We are so thankful for our little one and cannot wait for these next few months to be over and to just hold her and have her become a part of our family.

Things I didn't expect about...

Having a Baby:

- It was not as painful as I imagined, but it was worse than I imagined.

I had really bad menstrual cramps growing up. Contractions are no worse than that. The horrible part is how relentless contractions are. If I knew "OK, 10 of these and you'll have your son" I would have been fine, but 20 hours into it I was still only half way done! I felt like it would never end. By the time I was able to push I was so incredibly exhausted. I never knew the mental and emotional toll pure exhaustion could have. I am so happy I have my son, but I do not want to do that again for a while.

- Having your water break sucks.

It's so great in the movies and on T.V. Yeah, not in real life. If your water breaks, you can't labor at home, you have to be hooked up to monitors, you are much more susceptible to infections and so is your baby.

- To have an Epidural

I really didn't want to have one. 20 hours into labor and I couldn't even see straight. Blake made the decision for me, and I protested a bit, but eventually I had one. I was terrified of needles and thought it would be painful and invasive. It really wasn't painful, but I screamed anyway. It felt just SO WEIRD. I really didn't like how it felt... plus I was screaming about just about everything at that point. 15 minutes later I could rest, I could sleep, I could stop crying. I blame the Pictocin, which had to be used because I wasn't progressing after my water broke. It wasn't our ideal plan, but I'm so glad we decided to roll with the punches, and I got an epidural. I'm sure I would have had to have an emergency C-section if I didn't get it. I would have been too exhausted to push... I barely made it as it was.

- Pushing is involuntary 

and not at all painful (when you have an epidural). It was like an uncontrollable urge. Like pooping or throwing up when you're sick. I couldn't help but push. The difficult thing was actively pushing at the peak of the contraction. I had an incredible husband and a great nurse to coach me and get me through the three hours of that craziness. 

- I wouldn't be able to hold and feed my son right after he was born.

Because of my water breaking, I had a fever and so did Kaleb. I got to hold him for two seconds and then they rushed him off to the NICU. I was too drained at the time, but thinking back it makes me so sad!  

- Recovery is a beeotch.

I knew there would be a certain amount of ... 'damage' - if you will - and I knew things would change, but holy cow! I didn't think how swollen and painful and delicate everything would be. I didn't realise I'd bleed for three weeks straight. And I didn't realise things wouldn't just bounce back.

My Baby:

- He smelled sweet

His breath smelled sweet. Right out of the womb, before he had ever eaten, he smelled sweet. Sort of like peaches. Its beautiful. I can still catch a whiff of it every once and a while.

- He grunts and toots more than my grandfather

Constantly. Hes pushing and grunting and his face is turning red. If you hold him, you feel a little toot in his diaper. My boy is gassy and he is not ashamed.

- He looked like me.

Maybe it was because we were having a boy. Maybe it was because I love my husband so much I couldn't wait to have little Blake's, but when I first saw my little boy, after his swelling went down and he was clean and wrapped up, I saw my features. It was amazing and lovely. Of course, the older Kaleb gets, the more he looks like his father, but whatever. I'll always have my moment. :D

- He smiles and giggles... in his sleep.

One month and I've heard him giggle! Its amazing. But if I wake him up mid giggle or smile and he gets very grumpy. One day I'll be able to make him laugh when hes awake. 

Being a Mother:

- Nursing came naturally

I thought we would have a difficult time (which we kind of did for a day or two), I thought it would feel weird, but it was completely normal. Like I was a pro... well, semi-pro.  It made me feel so close to him. When I nurse and he falls asleep in my arms or is staring me while he eats, I feel like I'm protecting him. Loving him. Its sweet. 

- I love him, just not "more than I ever imagined"

OK, at the risk of sounding horrid, or being judged by other mothers, I have to admit it. People told me, "You'll love him more than anyone in your life", "You don't know how to love until you have a child", "Your capacity to love grows with your baby" and bla bla bla. Honestly, I love my son, but no more than I love my husband or my father. I love them all the same: to full capacity and absolutely. However, I do have an incredible sense of responsibility toward my son. For instance, if Blake falls down and scrapes his elbow, that sucks, but it's his own fault. He's an adult. I wish he didn't hurt, but what are you gonna do? If Kaleb hurts in any way ... ANY way, I feel like it's my fault. My job is to care for and protect him. As his mother, it's my job to keep him safe and happy. I feel addition attachment, obligation and perhaps affection toward my son because of this. It doesn't mean I LOVE him more than my husband, but I do feel like owe him more of me. 

- I'm not as anal as I thought I would be

I really thought I would be so particular about who holds him, who touches him, who changes his diaper or kisses him. But it really isn't a big deal. I was so scared to go to church with him for the first time, I didn't want people poking him or touching him, but people aren't stupid and I dont mind as much.  Go me, right?

Barrera Family Showers our Baby Kaleb

Last Saturday my fabulous aunts threw me a wonderful baby shower!

Look at this little clothes pin display of the fabulous gifts!

Athena got a canvas, drew a tree and all of our family placed thumb prints on it for Kaleb.

Our hostess

little brother!

Presents!

Grandma made a diaper and wipe holder/envelope. 

Kaleb will look just like Daddy!

Socks that look like shoes!!! Love it.

Jillian and I

Tickling Jayden

We're the youngest grand daughters. And we're awesome.

Thank you again to my fabulous aunts!

My first Maternity Session

For the past few months we've been trying to decide if we wanted to hire another photographer to record our Pregnancy (maternity images) our Kaleb's birth (Birth Story).

Both had their own merits, but finally decided upon the Birth Story (to be captured by our very talented photog friend - Ashley Perez) because we knew we'd want images anyway, and this way, Blake wont have to be there through his lens. He can just be there with me.

So with that decided, Blake and I still wanted a few images of my bump. So after our Barrera baby shower, we pulled to the side of the road on the way down the hill and had a mini photo shoot!

What do you think?

I'm still getting used to being in front of the camera at this point.

20 minutes later, I was loving it.  This actually didn't hurt while lying, but getting up was beeotch.

I love how Blake got the bump and the ring.

So very happy.

Holding him. <3

This one is in Kaleb's room. 

I really love this one too.

and a little timer magic, and we both smiled for this beauty. This image is also in Kaleb's room.

It really was tons of fun playing the subject, and very hard not to try to take over and set up all the shots… I actually may have tried, but Blake was awesome and lovingly told me to back off. :D

We're all done with Kaleb's nursery, and I so want to share that with you, but first: the Barrera Baby Shower!… next time. :D