Hating the waiting game.

Barrera baby shower and Maternity shoot posts to come, but first: some venting.

I have occupied myself the past couple weeks with organizing baby things and getting Kaleb's nursery ready... and I think its seriously backfired on me.

I want my son. I want to hold him now. I love feeling him kick and move. I love that hes all mine right now. But I'm still going nuts waiting to "start".

I don't even know for sure how I'm feeling. Do I sound nuts? I don't know.
I mean, he SO big now.

32 week unborn baby (artist's rendition)

I'm 32 weeks and he is almost fully developed, but would still be a preemie if he was born now. I don't want THAT for my son.

This little guy was 32 weeks when he was born (photo taken on his birth day) .

I mean, look how big the precious little boy in the picture above is! That's what Kaleb looks like now. He is THAT big. But I do not want see my son hooked up to and patched up just because I want to see him now instead of two months from now.

I know he needs to stay inside as long as possible. I know hes going to choose his birthday, and it will be the perfect time when he does come, but I can't help feeling the baby angst.

I want to hold him SO BAD. I want to nurse him and kiss his little Green nose and pat his little Barrera bottom (which I can already feel through my belly!).

The baby boy above is at 32 weeks, just like Kaleb. Doesn't he look squished?

So, other Moms out there; did you go through this in your last weeks of pregnancy? How did you deal with out going nuts?

I love Kaleb so much. I love seeing Blake get so excited. I'm sometimes amazed by how much he already loves our son. I know how much I already love him, but I sometimes feel that's because I'm always with him. My body is my son's home. Compared to me, Blake can only spend a relatively short amount of time with the baby, and half that time Kaleb is sleeping or not moving.
But still, Blake holds my belly, kisses it and reads to our son whenever possible. He is already a father, and I honestly wasn't expecting that to happen until after the baby was born.

I feel so very blessed every day to have an amazing husband and a healthy, growing baby boy. I just hope I don't lose my mind waiting for him to come into the world!

Sleeping and Dreaming

I have been so out of it lately.
I'm pretty sure its because of my lack of sleep.
Sure I sleep in till 8 or 9am, but I can't fall asleep before 3!

I'm so uncomfortable in bed.
Seriously, I think I proclaim "I hate going to bed." at least once a night.
And usually when I so tired I can't keep my eyes open.

Snoogle Pillow

I just feel so dense. You know how, on holidays or special occasions you sometimes stuff yourself with all manner of deliciousness and when you're all done eating, you realize how incredibly full you are and you so uncomfortable for about an hour until the food digests more? Yeah, that's how I feel all the time!

 Except instead of food, its by baby... so I don't want to digest him... I want to birth him... but not for another 4 months.

So in the meantime, I'm tossing and turning, trying to support my growing belly with pillows and wrapping my legs around Blake.

My only saving grace is the magnificent Snoogle pillow my amazing friend, Laura Chapman got for me early in my second trimester. Its helped so much, but I fear its powers may no longer work.


Oh, and the dreams... have I mentioned the vivid dreams I have?
I have always had some seriously real dreams. I generally don't know they're dreams when I'm in them, and despite his protests, I tell Blake all about them in the morning.

Artist's rendition of Jacob Black (Not the movie Jacob)

But since I've been pregnant, they gotten... so very vivid.
and they range from -

wonderful (playing with my happy, healthy Kaleb) 


to scary (being chased by a knife wielding murderer bent set on carving me like a pumpkin)


to devastating (Blake has a secret girlfriend who he loves more that me) 


to naughty (... YOU know what I'm talking about... but Blake is the only one whose made appearances in these dreams... well, Blake and once Jacob Black, but he's fictions so he doesn't count) 

But regardless the theme, they're all SO real!

Basically I wake myself and Blake up, nightly, yelling or crying or screaming or something.

Discomfort and vivid dreams aside, I do love lying there and feeling Kaleb push and kick. I absolutely adore feeling him move and grow. Sometimes he puts some serious force behind his kicks, and those are difficult to get used to. I generally follow those up with an "oh!" of surprise.

But I do adore them.

They mean my little love is getting stronger and healthier as he should be.

I seriously can't wait to stay up all night with him.

I wont be getting any more sleep than I am now, but at least I'll be able to hold him!